Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
