You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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