He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
