The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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