1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
