There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
