I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
