My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
OPIZZABONMYDICK
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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