If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
