There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
