Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
how drunk are you?
Several
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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