i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
