I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
