Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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