I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
