im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
