you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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