Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
