Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
