Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
