i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
