i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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