Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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