it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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