happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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