Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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