I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
