Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Please don't give away my fajitas
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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