theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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