Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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