What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
