I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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