Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
