I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
