My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
