You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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