yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
