I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
