Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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