and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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