Will you blow on my dice?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
