ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
