She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
