Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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