So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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