Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
