I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
