Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
