so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You're like the curious george of whores
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
