It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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