I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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