This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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