Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
