I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
